My Hometown is Nuts

I absolutely love my hometown newspaper — The Mo-Jo. Seriously, Tina Fey couldn’t make this stuff up to save her life. Fortunately the publisher called Mom a couple weeks ago to remind her that my subscription was running out, and my dear mother, knowing the endless joy I get from this weekly 4-page gossip rag, renewed my subscription.

I hadn’t noticed that my papers had taken a month-long pause until all of a sudden I received the past four issues this week. Prior to last night they were dumped in my pile of mail by my front door, next to the four bottles of wine I’d toted home in my big fat “Frada” bag from the office.

Last night I headed out around 10 to a birthday party in my neighborhood for a friend’s boyfriend. After a couple hours of chatter and a honking strawberry-banana margarita, I was in good spirits. And when I got home, I wasn’t quite ready to turn in.

So I picked up the four issues of the paper and hopped into bed, having no idea that I would soon be bawling with laughter over an article just below the front-page fold in the December 5 edition. Had you been watching, you would’ve thought a ghost was tickling the hell out of me for five minutes straight. I had to sleep on a wet pillow from all the crying. I likely woke up the neighbors.

Here goes:

[NAME] CLOSE TO 2500 LBS OF PEANUT BUTTER

[Person’s name] of [hometown] reports that in a few short weeks he will have eaten 2500 pounds of peanut butter. He only has eight pounds of peanut butter to go to reach the 2500 pound mark. He estimates that it could be as soon as the end of 2007. He keeps track of his consumption on a tally sheet at his home.

[Name] began keeping track of his peanut butter consumption in the Spring of 1970 and remembers that one time he finished a jar in three days. He mostly eats creamy peanut butter and usually buys whatever brand is the best price. Two of his favorites are Shurfine, which he purchases at the local [name of grocery store] and his favorite name brand is Skippy.

I’m still trying to decide if the publisher has such a wicked sense of humor that she’s intentionally making fun of this guy in public, or if she truly thinks this is news. Either way, it’s hysterical.

(P.S.  I read the article to a friend of mine tonight, and he remarked that it explains a lot about why I’m a nut job. Little does he know that when I lived in Wichita, the console in my Accord was filled with dirty spoons, because my “brother’s wedding is coming up diet” consisted of me taking a big ole spoonful of peanut butter and a 32-oz glass of water with me in the car to work every morning. For the record, I’m currently on my 86th jar of Skippy Extra Crunchy since 1997.)

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4 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Pastor Tom said,

    Nelly,
    Thanks for the update on the peanut butter person –
    I don’t get the paper yet – I’ve driven up and down that main street
    looking for that newspaper office (so I can order a subscription)
    and I can’t find the office. It must be in a basement somewhere.

    The peanut butter person does play a “mean piano” for me at the
    nursing home worship services!

  2. 2

    DIY said,

    Sis, this is just too much. Quick, somebody call Dr. Galichia!

    To clarify, the peanut butter person’s official unofficial name has always been “Peanut Butter”. No “man” needed.

    I’d suggest the Mo Jo do an in depth-investigation on a few of the characters that live, or have lived, within a 2 block radius of Peanut Butter. Some incidents rumored to have happened over the years include:

    – A man, aka, “The Junk Yard Dog” who used to chase down people who drove over 5mph past his house. Always good for some excitement when the high school would practice basketball at the middle school. Or when the church wheat was being hauled to the local elevator.

    – A desperate housewife walking up to the elevator seductively asking for “a real man”.

    – A man who waves to oncoming traffic by sticking his tongue out at them.

    I could go on for pages, but this isn’t my blog.

  3. 3

    Ann said,

    I love peanut butter lets have some with Cold Stone when you get home. I also just got another cute coat at the thrift today you are going to love it!!!! Mink colar, and short cuffs.
    See You soon!
    Ann

  4. 4

    Pastor Tom said,

    Nelly,

    While searching for peanut butter I finally did find the local rag office,
    I told them of my difficulty in finding it,
    they mentioned they like to be incognito,
    that way they can’t be found so that they become the target of rotten eggs
    or tomatoes…
    I understood completely!
    I paid my money and so now will be supplied with all the
    “up to the minute” that I can handle!
    Thanks Nelly – the story of Peanut Butter – got me hooked up for the next year!
    Pastor Tom


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