Archive for April, 2009

Essay #3


Our 700-word Essay

So…before we get to the Top Ten List, you need to know we had to pare down our reasons for not attending. There were many, in spite of how badly we wanted to attend. Sazzee is from Ohio and Lakota John lived there for several years—in fact that’s where we met and got married… oops, digressing, here.

Anyway, we’re both familiar with pig roasts and are going through withdrawal because people don’t seem to do that sort of thing in Chi-town. Hate missing all the fun. Also, it was the week-end to wash our dog. (You see, Toto sleeps with us, so doggy hygiene is very important at our house.)

The long and the short of it is that “it is what it is…” basically Sazzee’s fault, as you’ll see when you read the “Aw, Shucks…” list.

THE NUMBER TEN REASON WHY WE CAN’T ATTEND MR & THE FUTURE MRS FARMER’S WEDDING IS THAT: Sazzee is allergic to tulips. Well all flowers actually. But mostly tulips. Too perky!

THE NUMBER NINE REASON WHY WE CAN’T ATTEND MR & THE FUTURE MRS FARMER’S WEDDING IS THAT: When we called the AAA for directions they told us there was this yellow brick road we had to follow. We went online and checked it out on and discovered that it is closed for construction. It appears that while we have been away (working with Sazzee’s new image consultant) monkeys have torn up the bricks and are selling them on Ebay.

THE NUMBER EIGHT REASON WHY WE CAN’T ATTEND MR & THE FUTURE MRS FARMER’S WEDDING IS THAT: Every time Lakota John goes over the speed limit, they arrest Saz and take her to this place called Emerald City. (She has a record for operating a broom without a license.)

THE NUMBER SEVEN REASON WHY WE CAN’T ATTEND MR & THE FUTURE MRS FARMER’S WEDDING IS THAT: One time the ECPD pulled Saz’s prints and they spelled her name ELPHEBA!! Do you know how many mispronunciations there are?????

THE NUMBER SIX REASON WHY WE CAN’T ATTEND MR & THE FUTURE MRS FARMER’S WEDDING IS THAT Glenda has a restraining order against Sazzee (into perpetuity) ~ not sure what her issue is….she’s the one that’s got the dress, the crown, the wand and the “bubble”…

THE NUMBER FIVE REASON WHY WE CAN’T ATTEND MR & THE FUTURE MRS FARMER’S WEDDING IS THAT Sazzee can’t find here ruby red slippers. The last time she wore them she clicked her heels and she ended up in Ft. Wayne, Indiana. The slippers are probably under a bed in some No-Tell Motel.

THE NUMBER FOUR REASON WHY WE CAN’T ATTEND MR & THE FUTURE MRS FARMER’S WEDDING IS THAT when Sazzee called to place a special order for striped stockings, (she refuses to attend a wedding without wearing stockings) Taiwan informed her that they don’t make them in Queen size anymore.

THE NUMBER THREE REASON WHY WE CAN’T ATTEND MR & THE FUTURE MRS FARMER’S WEDDING IS THAT Sazzee suffer from carpel tunnel because of being 4’11”. Honest! Seems people confuse her with the longest living munchkin and run after her wanting her autograph….some just ask her how to become a member of the Lollipop Guild!

THE NUMBER TWO REASON WHY WE CAN’T ATTEND MR & THE FUTURE MRS FARMER’S WEDDING IS THAT “Oz never did give nothing to the tin man”. Go ahead…figure that one out.


So, you can see…our reason for not attending MR & THE FUTURE MRS FARMER’S WEDDING is pretty serious stuff. We didn’t take the decision lightly. Derek’s mother is a dear friend of Sazzee’s (well, Lakota John likes her pretty well himself because they’re Jesse Stone buds.) If there was a way we could have made the trip happen…we’d be there. Striped stockings or not. We know it will be a beautiful ceremony…a raucously fun reception and the celebration of two very special people. 700


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Wedding Pics

Just so I don’t get swept up and forget about it…I’m giving you the link to my awesome photographer’s blog. If she follows her trend, she’ll be posting a few pics from the wedding sometime during the week after it. So CLICK HERE around April 30 to get a sneak peek!

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Essay #2

[Names have been changed to protect the innocent.]

Sandy and I are very sad that we can’t party with you until the cows come home. Neither of us had ever been to Kansas and we were excited to go. The closest we had ever been was Kansas City, but I don’t think it was the right Kansas City. I mean, not the one on the Kansas side. It was on the Missouri side. That’s because I have family in St. Louis and they thought it would be fun to go to Kansas City. We saw a Royals game and that’s about it. Then we drove back to St. Louis. Fun times. Not as fun as your wedding would have been though. I hope you guys have a great time!

Is this 700 words yet? Geez, that’s a lot of words. Maybe I should have Georgette write it. She tends to write way too many words. That would have helped.

So…unfortunately, your wedding is the same weekend as the 40th wedding anniversary of Sandy’s parents. 40 years! I bet you and Mr. Farmer hope you last that long. Now, Sandy’s parents didn’t meet online. They didn’t have “online dating” 40 years ago, let alone E-Farmony. Instead, they met at a YMCA dance. Yes, I’ve heard that story one too many times. And I will hear it again that weekend.

While you’re gone, I’ll try to hold down the fort. I bet I will find out quickly what keeps you here till 9pm every night won’t I? As long as I don’t have to write any decks for Sal. You’ll have to do that from Hawaii.

You are going to Maui right? You’ll have a great time. Sandy and I have been lucky enough to hit Maui together a couple of times, and we really like to eat, so here are our recommendations for Lahaina:

• Lahaina Coolers — great for pizza and late night food
• Cheeseburger in Paradise — great onion rings. Good location and usually a live one man band
• Mooses — best happy hour and lots of fried food
• Chez Paul — a few miles from Lahaina…good French food and the best crème brulee in the world because it’s served in a pineapple
• Longhis —- a bit pricey, but worth it…good steak and seafood
• Penne Pasta — decent Italian, if you’re in the mood for some pasta
• Curry in a Hurry — you know it’s good because it doesn’t have a website. Quick snack or lunch take out place
• BJ’s Pizza —- don’t expect the Chicago style pizza you’re used to, but do expect a local singer and some good apps

Of course there is good food all over the island….so if you end up going to the high end shopping at Wailea and feel like some fish and chips, Alexander’s Fish & Chips in Kihei is a can’t miss place. And if you have a car, a place that never disappoints in Hailimaile is Halimaile General Store

Rusty Harpoon is good for a quick beverage right near you in Whalers Village. Great first night spot too because you don’t have to go far but still feel like you’re going out.

So that should successfully put about 10 lbs on you and from what I hear, Mr. Farmer needs it.

Well, the question now is whether or not I extend this out for another 100 words. I guess I have to.

Some simple advice. Don’t think about work. Relax. It will be here when you get back and worse than when you left it. So don’t worry about it. I’m sure M. will crack the whip while you are out, and S. will do her best to wrangle in the client. P. will wonder where you are. I will continue to procrastinate, mostly in honor of you, but everything will get done.

Again, we’re sorry we can’t make it but look forward to celebrating with you when you get back. Put it on the calendar. Sandy and I will take you out to dinner. And maybe you can make the recommendation on where to eat this time.

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Church Wedding Shower

Last weekend the folks from church threw a lovely shower for us.

There’s quite a tradition of interrogating the groom at these showers, but thanks to “church clean-up” day that day, the peanut gallery seats were removed for floor polishing, and the poor old hecklers hat to sit with their wives in the audience. (And behave.)

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As you’ve read, we’ve received many witty responses to our request for a 700 word essay for invitees who can’t attend the wedding. Here is the response from Mr. Farmer’s Mom’s Cousin:

I appreciate your request for my essay. But you see I have a few problems.
(1) I don’t think I know 700 words!
(2) I don’t know how much you know about this side of the family, but it wasn’t too long ago that we were drawing pictures in caves.
Best wishes,

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Wedding Essay

We received our first essay expressing regrets for not making it to the wedding! I think this one is going to be tough to beat. Click here and then scroll to the comments.

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Country Cocktail

Reprinted with permission from Nelly’s Abridged Dictionary, Volume 1

Country Cocktail
/ˈkʌntri ˈkɒkˌteɪl/ / [kuhn-tree kok-teyl]

A drink made from homemade alcohol


(Of clothing) styled for semiformal wear at events held outside the city limits: a country cocktail dress.

Prairie chic
Smart casual
Attire of the landed gentry
Khakis with a buttondown, tie optional
Spring dresses with cute shoes
Pants with a clever jacket (women)

Western cocktail
Chaps with butt cracks

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