Essay #3

TOP TEN REASONS WHY, AW SHUCKS, WE CAN’T ATTEND MR & THE FUTURE MRS FARMER’S WEDDING

Our 700-word Essay

So…before we get to the Top Ten List, you need to know we had to pare down our reasons for not attending. There were many, in spite of how badly we wanted to attend. Sazzee is from Ohio and Lakota John lived there for several years—in fact that’s where we met and got married… oops, digressing, here.

Anyway, we’re both familiar with pig roasts and are going through withdrawal because people don’t seem to do that sort of thing in Chi-town. Hate missing all the fun. Also, it was the week-end to wash our dog. (You see, Toto sleeps with us, so doggy hygiene is very important at our house.)

The long and the short of it is that “it is what it is…” basically Sazzee’s fault, as you’ll see when you read the “Aw, Shucks…” list.

THE NUMBER TEN REASON WHY WE CAN’T ATTEND MR & THE FUTURE MRS FARMER’S WEDDING IS THAT: Sazzee is allergic to tulips. Well all flowers actually. But mostly tulips. Too perky!

THE NUMBER NINE REASON WHY WE CAN’T ATTEND MR & THE FUTURE MRS FARMER’S WEDDING IS THAT: When we called the AAA for directions they told us there was this yellow brick road we had to follow. We went online and checked it out on Mapquest.com and discovered that it is closed for construction. It appears that while we have been away (working with Sazzee’s new image consultant) monkeys have torn up the bricks and are selling them on Ebay.

THE NUMBER EIGHT REASON WHY WE CAN’T ATTEND MR & THE FUTURE MRS FARMER’S WEDDING IS THAT: Every time Lakota John goes over the speed limit, they arrest Saz and take her to this place called Emerald City. (She has a record for operating a broom without a license.)

THE NUMBER SEVEN REASON WHY WE CAN’T ATTEND MR & THE FUTURE MRS FARMER’S WEDDING IS THAT: One time the ECPD pulled Saz’s prints and they spelled her name ELPHEBA!! Do you know how many mispronunciations there are?????

THE NUMBER SIX REASON WHY WE CAN’T ATTEND MR & THE FUTURE MRS FARMER’S WEDDING IS THAT Glenda has a restraining order against Sazzee (into perpetuity) ~ not sure what her issue is….she’s the one that’s got the dress, the crown, the wand and the “bubble”…

THE NUMBER FIVE REASON WHY WE CAN’T ATTEND MR & THE FUTURE MRS FARMER’S WEDDING IS THAT Sazzee can’t find here ruby red slippers. The last time she wore them she clicked her heels and she ended up in Ft. Wayne, Indiana. The slippers are probably under a bed in some No-Tell Motel.

THE NUMBER FOUR REASON WHY WE CAN’T ATTEND MR & THE FUTURE MRS FARMER’S WEDDING IS THAT when Sazzee called to place a special order for striped stockings, (she refuses to attend a wedding without wearing stockings) Taiwan informed her that they don’t make them in Queen size anymore.

THE NUMBER THREE REASON WHY WE CAN’T ATTEND MR & THE FUTURE MRS FARMER’S WEDDING IS THAT Sazzee suffer from carpel tunnel because of being 4’11”. Honest! Seems people confuse her with the longest living munchkin and run after her wanting her autograph….some just ask her how to become a member of the Lollipop Guild!

THE NUMBER TWO REASON WHY WE CAN’T ATTEND MR & THE FUTURE MRS FARMER’S WEDDING IS THAT “Oz never did give nothing to the tin man”. Go ahead…figure that one out.

AND…THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY WE CAN’T ATTEND MR & THE FUTURE MRS FARMER’S WEDDING IS THAT: Every time we fly to Kansas, a house falls on Saz.

So, you can see…our reason for not attending MR & THE FUTURE MRS FARMER’S WEDDING is pretty serious stuff. We didn’t take the decision lightly. Derek’s mother is a dear friend of Sazzee’s (well, Lakota John likes her pretty well himself because they’re Jesse Stone buds.) If there was a way we could have made the trip happen…we’d be there. Striped stockings or not. We know it will be a beautiful ceremony…a raucously fun reception and the celebration of two very special people. 700

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